Lower Libido, Higher Wisdom?

When desire dims, something deeper often emerges

By Bria Tavakoli

This post is from my EvolvingIntimacy.substack.com hub. You can subscribe for free!

“Now that I don’t have as much free-floating horniness, I feel more at peace. More free,” a female therapy client in her late 40s shared with me recently.

The dialogue had included a check-in on her perimenopausal symptoms, including her previously self-reported low(ered) libido.

“It sounds like you’ve become more intentional about intimacy,” I reflected.

She shared that she loved that way of putting it and that it feels very true.

She confessed, “Honestly, I used to make some not-so-great life choices when my libido was higher.“

I nodded in understanding. Because this, I deeply understand, both as a clinician and through my own (at times checkered) past lived experience.

“I do feel a slight uptick in desire since you and I last met a few weeks ago. I’ve gotten a better handle on some stress, and things are feeling better between my partner and I emotionally. Even so, the sexual part of me. . .it’s just different. . .it’s more subtle,” she continued.

Again, the understanding looks and nods.

Behind closed doors, we were two 40+ women sharing the quiet truths around this tender topic. It felt real, natural, and, in some ways, a tad revolutionary.

From Self-Criticism to Self-Curiosity

In a youth-obsessed culture where showy, sometimes performative sexuality is normalized, it feels a bit counter-culture to celebrate the experience of a libido dip and, in some weird ways, enjoy riding that wave. This only became possible when my client moved away from self-criticism, “shoulding” herself around her desire, and more towards self-curiosity and compassion around this shift.

Without the barrage of the various sex hormones pumping through her body at their previous higher levels, the places where her relationship felt disconnected were unceremoniously unmasked.

“We can no longer screw our way around difficulties, at least not as far as I am concerned,” she reflected ruefully in one session.

When Sex Stops Being a Shortcut, the The Slow Burn Can Still be a Flame

Without the hormonal override, she reported that she began to experience their disconnects as turnoffs. And warning signs. Thankfully, she and her partner started working on the things, through both personal work, including individual and couples therapy.

As their defensiveness began to soften, empathy increased, and they actively practiced reasonable boundaries, the tenderness, laughter, and yes, turn-on began to return to their relationship. And just like that. . .her desire slowly and subtly began to creep back up.

Caveat: the “working on it together” thing only works if both partners are genuinely willing to put in the effort. Sad but true: not all partners are willing and/or able to bridge over towards each other in this way.

This is part of my work with both individuals and couples: guiding them to lean into the wisdom of the seasons of life, whether or not they fit the cultural narratives we tell ourselves about being forever young and frisky. The body doesn’t lie. It’s good to tune in with curiosity, warmth, and love to more deeply understand whatever is unfolding.

Boring But Important Disclaimer: This space is for reflection, education, and general information only. It isn’t a substitute for therapy or individualized mental health care. Reading, subscribing, or engaging with this content does not create a therapist–client relationship.